Divorce and Separation

I can think of many of my friends who's parents have divorced, and many of them have even remarried.  In today's society there more and more divorce's happening.  62% actually.  62% of children who don't live with their biological parent's which means that 38% of children grow up with their biological parent's.  Parenting is a task that is a large load to take on, and it is even harder when you take on step-children.  It is however, not impossible to have a family come together to learn and grow together.  

In the videos that I had to watch this week, they dealt with techniques on how to properly discipline children.  I think that with proper discipline, that the parenting process will be easier especially when step family is involved.  As parent's we first need to recognize our children's needs.  There are four that I will mention, which are: 

1- Power

2- Protection

3- Challenge

4- Belonging/Contact

Once we recognize the need, then the discipline will follow suit.  Our disciplining techniques always need to relate to the thing that needs to be learned.  For example, if a child or teenager isn't on time for curfew, charging them every minute they are late, won't help them change their ways.  A better strategy to use would be to decrease curfew, or having a plan of contact when they are out.  

Elder Dallin H. Oaks an apostle of the Church of Latter-Day Saints gave a talk titled, "Parenting Leadership in the Home." http://www.lds.org/ensign/1985/06/parental-leadership-in-the-family?lang=eng  In it he talks about not becoming discouraged in times of trial.  He also describes how the husband and wife should lead the home in equality.  Both parents need to have an active say in what their children do, the discipline that is enforced, and the decisions that the family makes. When the husband and wife are equal, they are more able to work together to raise a family strong in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The videos also explained that parent's need to allow the natural consequences that teens make to act as discipline as much as possible, except when its:

 

1-Too Dangerous

2-Too Far in the Future

3-Others are primarily affected

An example of this could be a child wearing something that you disagree with due to whatever reason, however, because of some criticism from friends, they decide that is was indeed a bad idea.  Going and bringing them new clothes will only let them realize that you will always get them out of trouble.  If you let them live with the consequence of their choices, then the less likely they will do it again.

I am grateful that I have the knowledge of eternal families, and that even though divorce may be rampant in today society, families can still be together in happiness.  I found this video about parenting that I will let you watch.  As you watch focus on the spirit that it brings.  

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-cxHd773Ya0 "Parenting Touching the Hearts of our Youth"

I know that I will one day live eternally with my family, and that everyone through the right steps can achieve the same.

Parenting!!

Parenting can be a very scary thing, especially if you haven't had the opportunity to be around children while growing up.   I know that parenting is the best calling that any man or woman can have.  It is hard, but with practice, and some techniques, it will become easier.  

One of the things that children need to feel is a sense of belonging, and that they are needed.  In the parenting videos, Active Parenting Session 4, it mentions that children need to have responsibility.  This responsibility can be given in many ways including:

• A Family Garden
• Daily Chores
• Choices on Decisions Made in the Home
• Follow Ups

Family gardens may seem like a lot of work (and it probably is!) but it is a great way to give a child responsibility of something other than the things that he/she has in possession.  i.e. personal toys, musical instruments, etc.  Giving them the responsibility of watering, hoeing, weeding, or picking the vegetables will help them to understand the love of work, and blessings that come from that work. i.e. food.  

Chores help as well.  When a child has something that he is accountable for like making his/her bed everyday, washing dishes, or other chores that may fit, teach them to start caring about the things that they have contact with.  One thing that I love about chores is that I don't think children should do chores by themselves.  It is a great opportunity to get to know your child better, and create conversation that may not have been mentioned at the dinner table.  It may not have to be a parent, but it can be a sibling or someone else that is close with the child.  

Involving children with decisions made around the house, like what color to paint a room, where should you put the vase of flowers, and how many stones to line your driveway with, will help them to feel needed in the home.  Following up on their chores, and making sure that these things get done is crucial.  We need to do it lovingly and firmly if a child resists.  This follow up, followed up with positive feedback when substantial effort has been portrayed will help the child feel like he is a contributing member in the home.  

We all have needs, and we all need responsibility, so let's give our children responsibilities to feel needed.  

*Jacob 2

*Alma 39-42

*Mormon 8

Fathers ARE important

This week in class we were able to talk about how fathers are important in the home, and in raising their children.  There are many things a father can do to make a closer bond between him and his children.  Church authorities as well as professionals on the website fatherhood.org has explained just how crucial it is that children are being raised with a father figure in their lives. 

Elder Perry an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints stated that men need to always provide for their wife, and children, and if circumstances permit, to let the wife stay at home and raise their children.  I think that this is wise in that the home is where the majority of the learning should be happening.  Parents should teach their children love, compassion, charity, finances, sex, the meaning of hard work, and many MANY things that can be learned elsewhere.  It is wise counsel to teach our children rather than having other kids in school teach them skewed concepts that could harm their faith. 

On the website, fatherhod.org, gave some great examples of what fathers need to do to ensure that they are on the steps to becoming an involved father in wife.  In the article, '5 Questions Fathers Should Ask Themselves," it said that fathers need to control their emotions, and be positive role models to their children.  The boys should want to be like their fathers, and girls should look for attributes in guys she dates that correlate to her dads example.  It also stated that the father needs to use love instead of punishment when dealing with disciple.  Punishment that is harsh, and unnecessary will take the children away from the things that they are supposed to be doing, and rebel.  Discipline that is firm, yet caring will get the message of love across. 

I am grateful for the information that we have been given to know that fathers are important in a families life.  They are not just there to work, and to make things, and fix things, but to raise and be an active part of their children's life.  Father's are important, and in a world that is filled with sin, need much loving guidance to lead away from the temptations that will be thrown at them. 

So let's get to work!

Body Language

Communication in family can be stressful, especially when you don't have confidence in your communication skills.  The comforting thing to know, is that you don't have to be a professional to communicate effectively with your spouse or family.  If you truly care about the person you are communicating with, and show this with respect and kind words and love, then communication will be clear and easier. 

When we communicate we speak with words, but that is not the only thing that we communicate through.  Our body language and tone are also part of this process.  Our non-verbal language is actually what accounts for most of how we communicate with one another. 

• Words account for 14%.
• Tone accounts for 35%
• Non-Verbal language accounts for 51%

Now that we know this, how can we better communicate in a family?  Not being a great communicator myself, I find that I feel insecure about the advice that I give others, and wonder if what I am saying makes sense.  I now know that even though my words may get blundered to pieces, I still have the opportunity to show my love and concern to the person that I am talking to.  I can do this through my body language, and the tone that I use. 

Another thing that stuck out to me was the different types of listening skills.  I hate to admit that I sometimes fall under the "fake" listeners.  This is where I will agree with you, and will nod my head, and act like I am listening, when really I am not that interested in the topic being talked about.  I know that this is not a good strategy to have, especially when the person talking thinks that what they talk about is important. 

Good listening skills include just listening to what the other person is saying.  Ask questions to clarify what the person is saying, but other than that, just listening intently without thinking of all the other things that need to get done.  Focus on what the person is talking about, but most importantly care about them.  I think that Heavenly Father was very wise when he said to, "Love thy neighbor as thyself." 

Family Problemos and Coping Strategies

This week in class we focused on how families react in times of trial.  I know that we all go through hard things, but that doesn't mean we can't gain more knowledge, learn something new, learn self-control, and live a happier life. 

In our book that we are reading, it mentions an equation that we follow when we go throughout a life trial; it's called the ABC=X equation. (Rueben Hill)  The A- stands for the actual event that has taken place.  These could include death of someone in the family, rape, incest, drug and alcohol abuse, or any other stressor that is placed on the family.  The B is both resources/responses that a family may have.  What I love most about this one is that not all resources are tangible.  Heavenly Father is the backbone to all of our problems, and even though we may not see him, we can feel his Spirit.  The C is cognition.  This is simply the way we look at a situation. Is it positive, negative, or anywhere else on the continuum of emotions.  And finally, the X it the total eXperience that we take away from our trial. 

I mention this method to help us understand that we all have tribulations, and we all have different ways with dealing with them.  While some of our resources may vary, we all have help available to us.  Help may not need to be professional help from a doctor, but knowing simple techniques can help us to overcome our doubts.  The first step is making sure that our outlook is positive. 

There are three ways in which we can handle a problem, first being having a higher maturity level and growing from the experience.  The second one is staying on the same level as before, we cope but we don't learn or gain new insight from our trial.  The third is achieving a lower level than when the trial happened, this can be having a long term reaction like addiction, depression, or unhappiness.  We all have the same opportunity to learn, and through hard work can make us stronger individuals. 

Once we have this positive outlook, work on taking responsibility for what happened.  Even though it may be a rape that has taken place, it is not healthy to play an innocent victim.  Bad things happen, but at the end of the tunnel there is always light.  Taking responsibility will help us to accept what has happened, but also find ways to improve our life at that time.  Acknowledge your self worth.  You are a beautiful daughter, or son of God who loves you.  Rely on him.

Balance your self-concern with "others" concern.  Keep your mind on always helping others, but at the same time find ways to help yourself.  Know when too much is too much, and have time to meditate upon the blessings you have received in your life.  Lastly, redefine the meaning of life.  Something bad happened.  Now what?  Take time to see where your life has the potential to go, and go after it.  It won't be easy, but with time and commitment it will come. 

Life is a precious thing that we have all been blessed with.  We have happy moments, and not so happy ones, but in the end it is your life, and you have the ability to mold it.  It may jumble, and get all wacky when something happens but that's ok.  With the right tools and care, it will be put back into that mold only this time with more character than before.  We have the means of accomplishing great things through our trials, so take the time to make that happen. 

Proverbs 23:7

"For as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he..." Proverbs 23: 7

Well this past week we covered a rather interesting topic of intimacy in marriage.  I would like to start out by a description of how Heavenly Father needs to be the center of every marriage.  Picture a triangle.  On the bottom angle we will label "husband," and the other bottom corner, "wife."  The top of the triangle will simply be labeled, "God."  Notice that as a triangle goes up, the sides also come closer together until we reach the top.  Well, marriage is the same.  When you put God at the top of your and your husband/wife's life, then the closer you will become to him and also your spouse.  

I mention this not because you need God to be happy in marriage, but I do believe that if you put him first then everything else will have more meaning, and I know that "ultimate" happiness will come from it.  Coming from a Latter-Day Saint point of view, it also can be a preventable source from the fiery darts of Satan.  In the words of  Elder Neil A. Maxwell (1979) he pointed out that,“The seventh commandment is one of the least heeded but most needed laws of God.”

Well what is the seventh commandment you ask? "Thou shalt not commit adultery." (Exodus 20:14) 

When we were talking about this, my teacher mentioned that one of the most important parts of our body is the mind.  The mind is a powerful thing that leads us to action.  When we don't have control over it, then we are putting our body in control of our spirit.  We talked about having the utmost respect toward a spouse in mind and being physically respectful as well.  

When we get married we commit ourselves to that one person, not our friends, not our family, but committed to building a life together.  More often times than not, boundaries need to be placed, and limits set forth to have a well balanced marriage.  Everyone is different, and so these limits and boundaries range exceedingly.  When we don't place our minds on the things of the spirit, or have clear boundaries with those of the opposite sex, then conflict may occur. 

"It is important to point out that it does not take two people for infidelity to occur. Many times affairs are committed within the mind or heart of a married individual with no other participating party."

·         "When we let our thoughts unfaithfully imagine what life would be like with another person, infidelity has been committed. More and more this type of infidelity is being committed online through e-mails, chat rooms, or social networking sites." (Gardner)

      Infidelity, cheating, adultery, fornication, etc. are unfortunately a problem in the society we live in.  So how do we keep ourselves "unspotted from the world?"  Being overly faithful, committed, and loving toward your spouse and your spouse only will help the relationship feel strong and solid.  Following the limits you set in your individual marriages and relationships help as well.  The most important thing to remember is to have not only your heart, but your mind set on Christ.  Our mind is a tool that Satan can use to degrade ourselves, and others.  

    

      Don't just read your scriptures, ponder and feast upon them.  Pray as a couple every night, and ask for Heavenly Father to lead and guide you in your marriage.  He will help you.  

      Written for married and prospective couples.  :)

Leaps of Faith in Marriage

This week in class we focused on the amazing ordinance of marriage.  I know that being sealed to the one person you love is one of the most important things we can do in this life, and I am glad that I had the opportunity to learn more about the "early marital adjustments" that we went over this week.  Being married means that it takes a considerable amount of accommodation going from solo living to coupled living.  It surprised me from stories shared in class about the different lifestyle choices that come up when you are married like what to eat, sleeping habits, budgeting, your social connections changing, accommodating schedules, physical intimacy, distribution of responsibilities, etc. 

Moving into marriage, and living a brand new lifestyle I can imagine could give a person mixed emotions pretty quickly.  The one thing that came to my mind was the temple.  How comforting is it, that we are able to spend not only "til death do you part" with someone, but "for time and all eternity."  This week's class only made me grateful that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and the emphasis it places on eternal families.   

As I think about my future marriage, I can think of the leaps of faith that it will take to marry someone in the temple.  Being from a family who are converts, or non-members, (all of which are inactive) breaks my heart that they won't be able to participate in this ordinance with me.  Keeping covenants are all part of being worthy to go into the temple, so no one who hasn't kept or accepted those covenants can witness the ordinances done inside the temple.  Although it will be a hard experience not having any of my family there with me, I know that it is more important to do what's right and marry in the temple because those blessings last a lifetime.  I love my family, but most importantly I love God.